Two requests I receive quite often
There are two requests I receive quite often from men who contact me:
“I want a dominatrix”
“I want a submissive”
Some of them do not even ask whether I work that way, whether I enjoy it or whether that type of practice is part of my services. They have already decided on the character they want to meet and expect the woman they call to transform herself into that character.
I don’t do that.
I am not a dominatrix, I am not submissive and I don’t play sexual characters. Not because I am unaware that these practices exist, but because my work and my way of understanding sexuality go in a different direction: towards physical pleasure, knowledge of the body and real orgasm.
And the more I observe the sexual market, the more I feel that we are filling sex with roles, labels and scenes while still not knowing how to give or receive pleasure.
I started at 38, not as a young woman who would accept anything
I started working as a sex worker at 38. I wasn’t a young woman who had just discovered her sexuality, although I still had a lot to learn about sex work and about my own professional boundaries.
At first, I did accept some requests involving domination. Not because I felt like a dominatrix, but because it seemed that a sex worker was supposed to know how to do everything: be affectionate, wild, dominant, accommodating, dress in a certain way and become the character each client had imagined.
I also wanted to prove that I could do everything.
I tried to play some domination scenes, but many times I felt ridiculous. I had to think about what to say, what attitude to adopt and how to behave. I stopped paying attention to the body in front of me because I was trying to perform a role that did not come naturally to me.
Submission was different. When I was asked to be submissive, I usually said no. I am not submissive and I don’t identify with the idea of someone humiliating me, putting me down or giving me orders to represent a sexual hierarchy.
It has been many years since I stopped accepting requests to play a dominatrix as well. Now, when someone asks me, my answer is simply no. I don’t want to pretend that I can do everything, and I don’t need to accept a practice that does not represent what I offer.
A sex worker does not have to know how to do everything
There is a widespread idea that a sex worker should be prepared to satisfy every fantasy. As if we were all interchangeable and paying for our time turned us into a complete catalogue of characters and practices.
But every professional has their own personality, way of working, preferences, knowledge and boundaries.
There are sex workers who specialise in domination. They know that world, want to work within it and know how to build their sessions. There are also professionals who enjoy taking on a submissive role within agreed boundaries.
If that is what you are looking for, go to a professional who advertises it, knows it and wants to offer it to you.
What makes no sense is choosing a woman because of her photographs, age or body and then asking her to transform herself into a dominatrix or a submissive. Paying for her time does not give you the right to design her personality.
I clearly explain who I am and how I work. I do not offer BDSM, humiliation or domination or submission games. I also do not reproduce pornographic scenes or prepare sexual scripts.
It is not a limitation of my service. It is my professional choice.
Why are so many men looking for domination or submission now?
I increasingly meet men looking for “something different”. They want to be dominated, humiliated, want a woman to be submissive, want to try partner swapping or experience whatever practice they have seen advertised that week.
My impression, after so many years of observing real people, is that many are not searching from an understanding of their own pleasure. They are searching because they feel lost and believe they need to add a new practice in order to feel something more.
The market responds by offering them more labels, more fantasies and more characters. Advertising sites highlight dominatrices and submissives. Clubs and certain sexual spaces promote BDSM parties. Porn turns power dynamics into scenes that are easy to recognise and sell.
That is why, from my point of view, part of this phenomenon works more as business and performance than as a discovery of pleasure. A category is created, an aesthetic is built and it is sold as a different sexual experience.
That does not mean that everyone who practises BDSM is confused or that nobody can experience pleasure within those dynamics. There are adults who genuinely enjoy domination, submission, bondage, certain forms of pain or power play. When there is real consent, communication, boundaries and safety, that is their way of experiencing sexuality, and I respect it.
But the fact that some people enjoy it does not mean it is the answer for everyone who is bored, disconnected or sexually dissatisfied.
Before looking for a new character, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether we have ever learned to truly feel the body we already have.
Not all domination means the same thing
I also want to distinguish humiliation and imposition from another experience that I can understand: allowing someone to guide your pleasure.
A person can manage the rhythm of your arousal, bring you close to orgasm, stop, bring you back down, build you up again and keep you at a very high level of pleasure for a while. They can take control of the journey towards your orgasm without humiliating you, putting you down or turning you into an inferior character.
I have particularly encountered this way of guiding pleasure with some French men, although it can also happen with people of any nationality. For me, this is much closer to listening to the body than to acting out a master-and-slave relationship.
I don’t experience it as psychological submission. I understand it as trust: for a moment, you allow another person to read your body and guide what you are feeling.
On the other hand, many of the domination requests I have received — especially when they involve humiliation, insults or the desire to submit the other person — take me completely away from the kind of pleasure that interests me.
One thing is guiding an orgasm.
Another is creating a power scene.
I choose the first.
Nobody taught me how to feel pleasure either
My defence of physical pleasure does not come from theory. It comes from my own story.
Nobody taught me how to understand my body or manage my pleasure. I did not discover for myself what I was capable of feeling until I was 27. And even afterwards, I still needed a lot of time to understand myself, learn how my body responded and discover the different levels of pleasure.
An orgasm is not simply a matter of reaching it or not reaching it. It can be a zero, with almost no sensation. It can be pleasant but brief. You can remain at a three or four, feeling very comfortable. You can reach a six or seven and think: “Wow.” And if you know your body and the stimulation continues appropriately, you can reach an eight or nine and stay there without rushing towards the end.
That is what interests me.
Not collecting practices or acting out more fantasies. I am interested in discovering how a body awakens, how its sensitivity increases, what makes it rise, what disconnects it and how it can learn to receive a pleasure it may never have experienced before.
It took me years to discover it and get to know myself. Now I try to help other people discover it too.
Having an orgasm does not prove that you have felt all the pleasure possible
A mental fantasy can cause arousal. A domination or submission scene can cause an erection, lubrication and even an orgasm.
But an orgasm does not always have the same intensity, and it does not by itself encompass the entire experience.
Someone can ejaculate quickly and have felt very little. Another person may not reach the final orgasm and yet remain for a long time in extremely intense physical pleasure.
That is why it is not enough for me to know that there was an orgasm. I am interested in its journey: how breathing changes, how the pelvis moves, where tension builds, what pressure works, what rhythm increases arousal and what happens when we do not interrupt precisely what was working.
I am looking for that eight, that nine or that nine and a half: that level where the body is completely immersed in the sensation and can remain there, relax and rise again.
To reach that place, I don’t need to call you slave, master, sir or servant.
I need to listen to your body.
Acting out sex is not the same as feeling pleasure
For a long time, we have confused sexuality with its representation.
Porn has taught us positions, sounds, gestures and bodies that constantly seem to demonstrate that something extraordinary is happening. Then we try to reproduce those images in our encounters.
We have also created characters: the dominant man, the submissive woman, the dominatrix who never loses control, the insatiable woman or the lover who knows every technique.
But the body does not feel more simply because it performs its role better.
You can create a spectacular sexual scene and be completely disconnected from your sensations. You can fulfil a fantasy you have imagined for years and discover that, once it becomes reality, it does not give you the pleasure you expected. You can also do very little from the outside and feel an intensity that is difficult to explain.
That is why I am increasingly less interested in performing sex and more interested in feeling it.
I don’t want to look aroused. I want to be aroused.
I don’t want to make you believe that I know how to give you pleasure. I want to observe you until I discover how to give it to you.
I don’t want you to act to prove that the session is working. I want to notice the responses you don’t need to fake.
I work with bodies, not characters
My way of working begins when I stop thinking that I already know who you are.
I observe how you breathe, how you respond to touch, what happens when I change the pressure or rhythm and how your body changes when I find something that works. If I need you to guide me, I ask you. If you don’t know exactly what you like either, we explore it.
I don’t have a prepared scene that has to lead us to a specific ending. Nor do I need to follow a list of practices to make it seem as though we have done a lot.
I can maintain a movement for quite some time if I feel that pleasure is increasing. I can help you discover that receiving is not simply about lying down and waiting: it also requires attention, communication, trust and the ability to allow yourself to feel.
That is my work as a practical sex coach.
I am not a clinical sexologist and I do not provide therapy. I work with more than fifteen years of practical experience with real bodies and with everything I have learned about physical pleasure.
I am not a dominatrix.
I am not submissive.
I am not an actress hired to reproduce the video you have in your head.
I am a real person working with another real person.
Consent also includes the right not to play a role
Consent begins before any physical contact.
Agreeing to a session does not mean being available for everything the client wants. It means that both people know what they are going to share, what they are not going to share and that either person can set a boundary without having to defend it over and over again.
When I say that I do not offer domination or submission, I am not starting a negotiation about the price of those practices. I am communicating a boundary.
Insisting, trying to convince me or thinking that a higher amount of money should make me change my mind shows that the boundary has not been understood.
Many years ago, I might have accepted performing some form of domination because I believed that being professional meant knowing how to do everything. Today I know that being professional also means clearly recognising what you do, what you don’t do and what the real value of your work is.
I would rather lose a booking than disconnect from myself to play a character.
I don’t need to dominate you or submit to you to surprise you
Some people believe that without costumes, orders, humiliation or characters, sex becomes conventional.
I think the opposite.
The predictable thing is repeating a script you already know. What is truly unknown is encountering another body without knowing in advance how it will respond and having the sensitivity to discover it.
I can surprise you without pretending to be another woman.
I can help you discover new sensations without humiliating you or obeying you.
I can accompany you towards very intense physical pleasure without turning the encounter into a performance.
If you want a dominatrix, find a dominatrix.
If you want a submissive, find a submissive.
Find a professional who knows that practice, wants to share it with you and enjoys it within clear boundaries. Don’t expect every sex worker to adopt the character you have chosen.
But if you come to see me, you won’t find a character.
You will find me.
And my proposal is not to teach you how to perform sex better, but to help you discover how much real pleasure your body can feel.
