There is something about anal sex that I have never understood: why do we continue to treat it as if it belonged to a sex, a gender or a sexual orientation? The anus is neither male nor female. It is a part of the human body. And it is a part of the body with sensitivity and numerous nerve endings. It can provide pleasure to men, women and people of any identity or sexual orientation. Whether a person likes it or not is another matter. We do not all have to like the same things. But I believe that when it comes to anal sex, we still carry too many prejudices and, above all, far too little practical education.
Two kisses and you already want to penetrate
Recently, I was listening to an episode of Sex With Emily dedicated to anal sex, and one idea made me laugh because it perfectly reflects something I have observed for years: we try to get to anal penetration far too quickly, when the body needs time and preparation.
And this is especially important when we are talking about anal penetration. The anus does not lubricate in the same way as the vagina. Anal penetration requires lubrication, progression, communication and attention to the sensations of the person receiving. Going slowly and stopping when pain appears are not secondary details: they are part of safe sexual practice.
However, for years we have made many people associate anal sex with enduring. And that is where we have a problem. Because pleasure should not be about proving how much you are capable of tolerating.
Anal sex does not belong to men or women
For a long time, we have divided sexuality into absurdly rigid compartments. This is for men. This is for women. This is heterosexual. This is homosexual. This is done. This is not done.
But the body is much less ideological than we are. The anus is sensitive in both men and women. In men, the prostate can also respond pleasurably to pressure or stimulation.
Therefore, enjoying anal stimulation does not determine anyone’s sexual orientation. It says something much simpler: that person has discovered that a particular type of stimulation of their body gives them pleasure. Nothing more.
The person who penetrates should know what it means to receive
Here I am not going to be politically correct: I would change the way we learn about penetration. I believe that before penetrating, we should learn what it means to receive penetration.
For generations, we were taught a profoundly unequal form of sexuality: one person penetrates and the other receives. One person leads the movement and the other has to learn to relax, adapt, trust, say if it hurts and, too often, endure.
And how can we expect someone to truly understand all of that if they have never placed themselves in the bodily position of the person receiving?
For me, sexual practices are also learned through the body. You can read about them, watch them or receive explanations, but experiencing a sensation gives you information that theory cannot provide.
That is why I would go further: we should learn how to penetrate and how to receive before assigning ourselves permanently to one of the two roles.
Not because the vagina and anus are anatomically identical, because they are not. Nor because everyone has to enjoy the same practices. I am talking about embodied learning, sexual empathy and practical knowledge.
Perhaps then many first sexual experiences would change.
Instead of teaching that a man “loses his virginity” by penetrating and a woman loses hers by being penetrated, we could teach something much more interesting: both are learning to give and both are learning to receive.
And then you decide. You try it, you get to know your body and you can say: I like this, I do not like this, I am interested in this and I do not want to do this again.
But at least your opinion also comes from a bodily experience and not only from a learned prejudice about which parts of your body you are supposedly allowed to explore depending on whether you are a man or a woman.
For me, that would be a much more equal form of sex education.
The body is not the same every day
This is another thing that many years of practical experience have taught me. A body is not a machine. There are days when it receives certain sensations easily and others when it needs much more time.
There are people with whom it is easy to relax and others with whom it is not. Arousal, trust, the moment, anatomy, experience and the skill of the person touching all change.
That is why I do not believe much in universal sexual recipes. I believe in observing. Touching. Waiting. Asking. Listening to breathing and the body’s responses.
And, above all, not interpreting a “not yet” as a challenge that needs to be overcome.
Penis and clitoris: more alike than we were taught
We would also benefit from knowing our anatomy better. The penis and clitoris are not two completely different inventions of nature. During embryonic development, they originate from a common structure, the genital tubercle, and have homologous structures, including the glans and erectile tissues.
There are, of course, important anatomical differences between them. Understanding this helps dismantle another idea that still weighs too heavily on our sex education: that there are two completely different sexualities, one male and one female.
Our bodies have differences. But they also have far more similarities than we usually acknowledge.
Penetrating well does not mean going deeper
Perhaps this is one of the biggest mistakes that a certain type of sex education has left us with: associating skill with depth, intensity or endurance.
For me, knowing how to fuck is not about proving yourself. It is about knowing what the other body is feeling. And this applies to a vagina, to an anus and to practically any sexual practice.
Anal sex can provide a great deal of pleasure. It can also be unpleasant, painful or simply something a person is not interested in. And it also changes throughout the different stages of life.
Sexuality is not static: there are practices that for years do not interest us, do not appeal to us or do not give us any sensation, and that at another point in our lives we discover in a completely different way.
Life is very long and our sexuality changes with us as well. Both things are perfectly legitimate.
What we should not normalize is that something hurts because “that is just how it is”. Pain does not prove that you are practicing penetration correctly, whether anal or vaginal. If something hurts or feels uncomfortable, you have to stop, communicate it and change what is being done.
A vagina is not there simply because it can be penetrated either. It needs arousal, time, lubrication and, above all, for the person penetrating to pay attention to the body receiving.
The anus and vagina are anatomically different: the tissues, lubrication and some of the structures involved are not the same. But that does not mean that the sensations are necessarily different.
In my experience, with a high level of arousal and when certain points are stimulated correctly, there are internal sensations that can become identical. I know because I have felt them in my own body.
And precisely that experience has taught me that, regardless of where penetration takes place, there is one fundamental rule:
You do not penetrate a body at the pace of the person entering, but at the pace of the body receiving.
Friction can also cause small injuries, which is why lubrication and pain-free sexual practice are especially important.
Maybe we need to learn fewer positions and more about bodies
After so many years working with sexuality, I am increasingly less interested in teaching a collection of techniques and positions.
I am interested in learning to feel. To receive. To touch. To recognize when a body opens and when it protects itself. To understand that penetrating does not give us power over the body in front of us.
And also to question why someone may want to penetrate another body while at the same time feeling an absolute rejection of the possibility of exploring that same sensation in their own.
Not because they have to like it or because they have to want to do it again. Precisely, it is about experiencing something through your own body before deciding.
Because asking ourselves that question already forces us to reconsider many things we have learned about masculinity, femininity, sexual orientation and pleasure.
The anus has no gender. Pleasure does not need one either.
And perhaps truly adult sexuality begins when we stop asking ourselves what we are supposed to do depending on whether we are men or women and start asking ourselves something much simpler:
What does this body feel and what does it need in order to enjoy itself?
